Faith & culture questions for couples from different backgrounds.
Two families, two calendars, maybe two ideas about God, or none at all. Nobody settles that on a first date, but most of it comes up eventually, usually around a holiday. These questions help you talk about it early and kindly, whether you follow different faiths, one of you believes and the other doesn't, or you share a faith but grew up keeping it differently.
What you each grew up with
Start with stories, not positions. It's easier to understand a belief once you've heard where it came from.
- Was faith something your family talked about at home, or something you just did?
- Which religious or cultural holiday felt most like yours as a child?
- Who in your family cared most about tradition, and how did they show it?
- Was there anything you were told never to question?
- What did your family say about people who believed differently?
- What's a prayer, blessing, song or saying you still know by heart?
- Which part of your upbringing are you proudest of?
- Is there something from your upbringing you've since set aside?
Where you are now
People move away from their upbringing, back toward it, or somewhere new. Ask where each of you actually stands today.
- How would you describe what you believe today, in your own words rather than a label?
- What does your faith, or your lack of one, give you on a hard day?
- Is there a habit of faith or culture you've dropped and miss?
- What's something about my background you're curious about but haven't asked?
- Does anything about my beliefs worry you, even a little?
- What would you want me never to joke about?
- How would you feel if one of us became more religious over the years, or less?
Holidays, food and the calendar
This is where differences get practical. A shared calendar settles more arguments than a shared theology.
- Which holidays matter most to you, and which could you happily skip?
- How should we split the big holidays between our two families?
- Are there foods you don't eat, or wouldn't want in our kitchen?
- At my holidays, would you rather join in, watch, or sit some out?
- Is there a fast, a day of rest or a festival that changes how your week runs?
- Which of my traditions would you like to try at least once?
- If we invented a holiday that's just ours, what would we do on it?
- What decorations, if any, should go up in our home?
Family and expectations
Often the harder conversation isn't between the two of you. It's about the people who raised you.
- What does your family expect of me, even if nobody has said it out loud?
- How do you think your parents really feel about our different backgrounds?
- If a relative says something hurtful about my faith or culture, what would you do?
- Is there a family occasion where you'd want me beside you, even if it's unfamiliar to me?
- What should I learn before I meet your grandparents?
- Are there topics I should steer clear of at your family's table?
- How much say should our families have in the choices we make?
Children, if you want them
Skip this section if kids aren't part of your plans. If they are, it helps to talk long before anyone is choosing names.
- Would you want our children raised in one tradition, both, or free to choose for themselves?
- Which stories about your family would you want our kids to grow up hearing?
- Which holidays would you want them to grow up with?
- Would you want a naming ceremony, blessing or other welcome when a child arrives?
- What would you tell our child if they asked what happens after we die?
- Which languages would you want them to hear at home?
- What's one value from your background you'd insist on passing on?
Weddings, milestones and goodbyes
Ceremonies are where two traditions meet in public. Better to know the non-negotiables early.
- What would a wedding need to include for you to feel married?
- Who would you want to lead or bless it?
- Are there customs from your side you'd find hard to leave out?
- How would you like to mark the big anniversaries and birthdays?
- When someone dies in your family, what happens, and what would be expected of me?
- Have you thought about what you'd want for your own funeral?
Ground rules that make these easier
None of these questions needs a final answer tonight.
- Ask to understand, not to win.
- Take one topic at a time.
- Say what you need, not what the other should believe.
- Separate what you believe from what your family expects.
- It's fine to say “I don't know yet.”
- Learn each other's words for things.
- Come back to the big ones every year or so. People change.
Really talk, every day.
One good question a day — answered privately, revealed together.
Keep exploring
More free guides: Daily questions for couples · The questions worth the quiet · How are we, really
Questions, answered.
When should an interfaith couple talk about religion?
Earlier than feels comfortable, and more than once. You don't need every answer before you're serious, but holidays, family expectations and children are easier to discuss before they're urgent.
What if one of us is religious and the other isn't?
The same questions apply. Start with what each of you gets from your way of seeing the world rather than whether it's right. Many couples find they want similar things, like belonging, ritual and kindness, and simply reach them by different roads.
Do we have to agree on how to raise children?
You need a plan you can both live with, not identical beliefs. Start with the practical parts: holidays, ceremonies, and what you'll say when they ask questions. Those are easier to agree on than theology.
What if our families don't approve?
Agree between the two of you first, then talk to family as a team. Decide who speaks to whose family (usually each of you to your own) and what you won't debate at the table.
Is there an app with faith and culture questions for couples?
Wend has six faith & culture packs, 24 questions each: Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Latter-day Saint, Interfaith, and Secular & humanist, each written for that tradition. You each answer on your own iPhone and reveal together. The packs come with Wend Premium, and one subscription covers both of you. For Muslim couples, our app Ulfah is made for you.