The yes, no, maybe list, done kindly.
You each fill in the same list on your own, then compare only where you overlap. Nobody has to go first, a no costs nothing, and a maybe is an invitation to talk, not a promise. Here is how to use one well.
Five rules that keep it kind
Most lists go wrong in the comparing, not the filling in. Agree on these before either of you starts.
- Fill it in apart. Separate copies, separate rooms if you like, and no peeking over shoulders.
- Compare only the overlap. Read out the items where you both wrote yes or maybe, and skip everything else without comment.
- A no needs no reason. Nobody asks why, and nobody tries to talk the other person round.
- A maybe is a conversation, not a yes. Talk about what would make it feel good before anything else happens.
- Anything can change. Either of you can move an item back to no at any time, including halfway through.
A gentle starter list
Mark each one yes, no or maybe. These stay deliberately mild; add your own lines once the format feels easy.
- Slow dancing in the kitchen with no music playing.
- Holding hands somewhere we might bump into people we know.
- A whole weekend morning in bed with phones in another room.
- Trading a ten-minute shoulder rub, one each, timed.
- Writing each other a letter to open on a bad day.
- Sharing a bath or a long shower with candles.
- A kiss somewhere we have never kissed before.
- Using a pet name out loud in front of friends.
- Planning a surprise date the other knows nothing about.
- Falling asleep on a video call when we are apart.
- Telling each other one thing we find attractive that is not about looks.
- Trying a new kind of date that makes both of us a little nervous.
When you compare
A few lines that make the overlap feel like a gift instead of a test.
- Start with a match you both marked yes. Say what you like about it first.
- Pick one maybe and ask, what would make this one feel easy for you?
- Close with a thank you. Being honest on paper takes nerve.
- Put the list away for a month, then fill in a fresh copy and see what moved.
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Questions, answered.
What is a yes, no, maybe list?
It is a list of activities or ideas that each partner marks privately as yes, no or maybe. You then compare only the items where you overlap, which lets you find shared interests without either of you having to bring them up first.
Is a maybe the same as a yes?
No. A maybe means open to talking about it. Treat it as the start of a conversation about what would make it comfortable, and accept that it can still become a no.
Should we show each other our whole lists?
No. The point of the format is that you never see the other person's no answers. Compare only the overlap, so nobody feels judged for what they ruled out.
Is there an app that does this for couples?
Aflame works this way card by card. You each answer privately with pass, curious or want; if either of you passes, nothing is shown, and cards you both lean toward become matches. It is rated 17+ for adults in a relationship, and you can try it on one phone before making an account.